Psychotherapy and the struggle for individualization

Psychotherapy and the struggle for individualization

Customization issues cause a variety of problems. If you are not sufficiently individual, it is often difficult to know what you want and need. If this is the case, it is not easy to find satisfaction in life. You have questions like: “What do I want?” “Do I like X?” “Should I feel this?” Marla* is an example of someone who struggles with individualization.

Marla came to therapy at the age of 29. She was a young woman who could find little satisfaction in her life. Her work as a computer programmer in a small retail company was not very satisfying. She had one or two people at work that she felt connected to, but had no relationship with either of them outside of work. She had never been in a relationship with a man for more than two months. At the time she visited me, she was using an internet dating service but rarely found a man she was interested in. Her perfectionism led her to rule out most potential matches as either not educated enough, not good looking enough, not rich enough. Marla had two friends from college that she kept in touch with. One, Fred, was in a committed relationship with Philip, his partner of 3 years. The other, Connie, was single and also used the Internet to find a relationship. However, Connie frequently found men to date and was not as available to interact with Marla as she would have liked. Connie was also very beautiful (according to Marla) and this created a lot of envy for Marla.

Marla had always found reasons to keep relationships at a distance. Like many people who struggled with individuation, she worried deeply about whether people liked her and found it unbearable to imagine that anyone would have negative feelings for her. To ensure that only positive feelings existed between her and her friends, Marla was pleasant, sensitive to what the other needed, and inclined to go along. It wasn't individualized. She had only a vague feeling that she was paying a price for giving up her own desires.

Marla had a very close relationship with her parents, who lived near Marla's apartment. She would often go home for dinner or take them to a concert or movie. Marla's older brother, Ted, had moved to another state where he lived with his wife and two daughters. He had little contact with the family. Marla was seen as the good child by her parents. She was the one who stayed close to home and kept in close contact.

When Marla confided in her parents about her misfortune, they became impatient with her. They wanted her to do something to make herself happier, and she found it difficult to tolerate their unhappiness. They often urged them to follow job advertisements on the Internet or to bring their graduate program catalogs. Marla would describe to me how her parents have always done everything for her since she was a child. They chose her clothes, had strong opinions about her friends, and helped her extensively with her homework. Later, they chose their college and decorated their apartment. They still helped choose her clothes. When Marla expressed a preference, she was usually told that her choices weren't the best. Marla's mother was obsessed with Marla's appearance and, at age 15, suggested that Marla get a nose job. When Marla agreed, her mother's fear of the operation sent Marla into a series of panic attacks.

Some children learn at a young age what and who their parents need. Some parents don't want the best for their children and don't understand that they are interfering with their child's ability to experience life through trial and error. Children need to figure out what they like and how they feel. They must develop the ability to tolerate their own feelings and the negative feelings expressed by others in their lives. This is all part of the process of self-discovery. It leads to self-confidence and is part of the individuation process.

As we talked in therapy, Marla began to consider that she had become too reliant on her parents. However, she was conflicted as she became less concerned when she went along with their decisions rather than making her own decisions. As we talked, Marla also discovered that she didn't know exactly what she wanted and was therefore very afraid of making the wrong decisions. She expected her father, a very critical man, to scold her for doing the wrong thing. Our conversation also helped Marla realize how much she liked being the good daughter. It seemed like not developing an independent self was a small price to pay in order to be seen as a good daughter. It was worth it. But now, at age 29, being the good daughter wasn't enough. However, she was afraid to give it up. She didn't know that there could be ways to be a bad daughter or a good daughter. But it would take some time to tolerate the grays. Being the good kid can often be at odds with itself. It can be very difficult to give up the rewards that come with such a preferred designation. The choice to remain as your parents see and want you is not an easy one to give up.

It wasn't easy for Marla to keep talking and taking small steps toward finding out what she wanted. She knew she wanted a relationship. But she didn't realize that a major difficulty holding her back from pursuing a relationship was her fear of being taken over or criticized by the other person. She didn't feel like she could have her own thoughts and feelings in a relationship and not be told she was wrong. How could she feel good in a relationship if she was different from her partner?

Marla finds more men of interest to her online dating and realizes that she was using her perfectionism to avoid a relationship. She begins to consider that she can have her own opinion or needs regarding someone she is dating and that it doesn't have to mean she will be criticized or rejected. Marla has also worked on telling her parents NO. She told them she didn't want them to look for a job for her. Her parents responded well to her request.

As the individuation process progresses, the self becomes increasingly aware of what is satisfying. The individual learns what I want and desire rather than what I should desire. An individual person can make decisions and tolerate the consequences. Whether it is expressing or receiving negative feelings, an individual person has enough faith that he, the other, and the relationship can survive.

*Names and identifying information have been changed to protect customer confidentiality. *

© Copyright 2010 Beverly Amsel, Ph.D. All rights reserved

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