Psychotherapy and the struggle for individualization

Psychotherapy and the struggle for individualization

Problems with individualization cause a variety of problems. If you are not sufficiently individual, it is often difficult to know what you want and need. If this is the case, it is not easy to find satisfaction in life. You have questions like: "What do I want?" "Do I like X?" "Should I feel that?" Marla * is an example for someone who has to deal with individualization.

Marla came to therapy at the age of 29. She was a young woman who could find little satisfaction in her life. Her work as a computer programmer in a small retail company was not very satisfactory. She had one or two people at work with whom she felt connected but had no relationship with both outside of work. She had never been in a relationship with a man for more than two months. At the time she visited me, she used an internet dating service, but rarely found a man in whom she was interested. Their perfectionism caused them to make most potential matches as either not educated enough, not well enough looking, not richly excluded enough. Marla had two friends from college with whom she was in contact. One, Fred, had a steady relationship with Philip, his partner of 3 years. The other, Connie, was single and also used the Internet to find a relationship. However, Connie often found men with whom she could go out and was not so available to get in touch with Marla as she would like. Connie was also very nice (according to Marla) and this created a lot of envy for Marla.

Marla had always found reasons to keep relationships at a distance. Like many people who had to struggle with individualization, she was very worried about whether people liked her and found it unbearable to imagine that anyone would have negative feelings for her. To ensure that there were only positive feelings between her and her friends, Marla was pleasant, sensitive to what the other needed, and tended to participate. It was not individualized. She only had a vague feeling that she paid a price to give up her own wishes.

Marla had a very close relationship with her parents who lived near Marla's apartment. She often went home for dinner or went to a concert or film with them. Marla's older brother Ted moved to another state in which he lived with his wife and two daughters. He had little contact with the family. Marla was considered the good child by her parents. She was the one who stayed at home and stayed in close contact.

When Marla entrusted her misfortune to her parents, they became impatient with her. They wanted her to do something to make herself more satisfied, and it was difficult for her to tolerate her misfortune. They often urged them to pursue job advertisements on the Internet or bring their catalogs to the final programs. Marla would describe how her parents have always done everything for her since childhood. They chose their clothes, had strong opinions about their friends and helped them extensively with their homework. Later they chose their college and decorated their apartment. They still helped choose their clothes. When Marla pronounced a preference, she was usually told that her decisions were not the best. Marla's mother was obsessed with Marlas and suggested that Marla get a nose job at the age of 15. When Marla agreed, her mother's fear brought her mother into a number of panic attacks.

Some children learn what and who their parents need at a young age. Some parents do not want the best for their children and do not understand that they affect their child's ability to experience life through attempt and errors. Children have to find out what they like and how they feel. You have to develop the ability to tolerate your own feelings and the negative feelings that others express in your life. All of this is part of the process of self -discovery. It leads to self -confidence and is part of the individual process.

While we talked in therapy, Marla began to consider that she had rely too much on her parents. However, she was conflict because she was less concerned when she participated in her decisions instead of making her own decisions. As we talked, Marla also found that she didn't know exactly what she wanted and was therefore very afraid to make the wrong decisions. She expected her father, a very critical man, insult her because she had done the wrong one. Our conversation also helped Marla to become aware of how much she liked to be the good daughter. It seemed as if it were a small price not to develop an independent self in order to be seen as a good daughter. It was worth it. But now, at the age of 29, it wasn't enough to be the good daughter. However, she was afraid to give up. She didn't know that there could be opportunities to be a bad or a good daughter. But it would take some time to tolerate the shades of gray. The good child can often be conflict with themselves. It can be very difficult to give up the rewards associated with such a preferred name. The choice of how the parents see and want is not easy to give up.

It was not easy for Marla to continue talking and taking small steps to find out what she wanted. It was clear to her that she wanted a relationship. But she had not realized that a great difficulty she stopped her, maintaining a relationship was her concern that she would be taken over or criticized by the other. She had no feeling that she could have her own thoughts and feelings in a relationship and could not find out that she was wrong. How could she feel good in a relationship if she was different from her partner?

Marla finds more men of interest in their internet dating and understood that she started her perfectionism to avoid a relationship. It begins to consider that she can have her own opinion or needs with regard to someone with whom she makes an appointment, and that this does not have to mean that she is criticized or rejected. Marla also worked on saying no to her parents. She told you that she doesn't want you to look for a job for her. Her parents reacted well to their request.

With progressive individualization process, the self becomes increasingly aware of what is satisfactory. The individual learns what I want and wish instead of what I should wish for. An individual person can make decisions and tolerate the consequences. Whether it is a matter of expressing or receiving negative feelings, an individual person has enough trust that you, others and the relationship can survive.

* Names and identifying information have been changed to protect the customer's confidentiality. *

© Copyright 2010 Beverly Amsel, Ph.D. All rights reserved

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