Scratch that seven-year itch with wisdom

Scratch that seven-year itch with wisdom

“Mystery isn’t always about traveling to new places, it’s about seeing with new eyes.”

-Esther Perel

I just saw Bill Clinton's fervent support of his wife for commander in chief. Regarding his marriage, he referred to “good times and bad times.” He did it in a subtle way, a sort of Voldemort effect. He danced around the co-conspirator of his bad times in a "she-who-shall-not-be-named" manner, but we all knew who he was talking about.

Would you believe me if I told you that the Clinton-Lewinski scandal awakened the mind of a remarkable woman to begin her quest to understand infidelity? Someone who understood Bill's actions and found them to be fairly common. Her name is Esther Perel.

Ether Perel, a Belgian psychotherapist and author of Mating in Captivity, was so curious about what causes men and women to cheat that she wrote Erotic Intelligence, an article published in the Psychotherapy Networker.

Have you ever wondered how some people can stay committed and others can't try? Why do some relationships crumble just 84 months after a passionate romance? And others move arm in arm on the porch swing in their golden years. Why do some people survive affairs and others are devastated by them? How affairs can revitalize a relationship and promote growth for all parties?

Could it be that we don't yet need to be honest with ourselves and our partners about the challenges of monogamy? Can we sit down and spend some time alone with our thoughts and desires? I began this process by watching a TED talk by Esther called “Why Happy Couples Cheat.” In this introduction to her book Mating in Captivity, she examines how marriage has evolved and the countless responsibilities we now place on our partners. Many of these have only recently been fulfilled by many different people.

Esther is unbiased and open. She talks about the motivations behind all of our actions in relationships, even those we are ashamed of, cheating, porn, etc. Her YouTube channel contains a growing library of her talks that uncover the unspoken themes behind seemingly healthy relationships. If you're not a reader, you can get a good feel for her book Mating in Captivity in her video called Reconciling Intimacy and Sexuality. A nice sidecar to this video is the short article Reconciling Sensuality and Domesticity, published in Psychotherapy Networker.

What I find more encouraging is their hope for authentic relationships, even after we realize how messed up we are when it comes to expressing our needs around intimacy. Esther is realistic; She scoffs at the idea that Victoria's Secret can save a doomed relationship or return it to the thrill it once had. In her video The Paradox of Intimacy and Sexuality, she gives the viewer powerful suggestions and methods to increase desire and bring creativity into your relationship.

I believe Esther teaches us relationship resilience in the area of ​​intimacy. Growing together; to understand and respect our partners' needs and desires while finding space to express our own. Esther can teach us to love ourselves and our partners with new eyes. To create a relationship that not only survives but thrives.

Thank you, Esther, for your commitment to helping people love one another with acceptance and wisdom.

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