All I want for Christmas is to eat in peace: set boundaries

I'm assuming that after the last blog post, you've burned all your diet books, thrown away your food scales, and lived a life of eating only what you want, when you want it... Right? If you missed the first one, you can read itHere.

And now comes the dreaded horrible test of seeing family and friends and of course wondering what to do if someone comments on what you eat or your body.

I understand, I've been there, I come from an Indian family, there is no tact or politeness and love is expressed through food, not words.

There's this inhale followed by a deer-in-the-headlights moment: "How do I even react to this?" The whole room is almost silent, waiting for your answer. You feel the awkwardness of the moment.

What do you even say when someone outside of your own body believes it is their right to comment on your body or what you have chosen to eat or not eat?

I invite you now to become curious about this moment. Close your eyes and feel that memory in your body, feel everything you would feel there; Guilt, shame, confusion, pain – let it wash over you for a moment.

And once you've felt it, say to yourself out loud, "I'm not discussing my food or my body with you."

Or “I don’t remember you going to the food police?” or any other answer you want, I'll list a few more below.

The main thing we want to learn is how we want to respond to these comments, and honestly sometimes think about whether we want to respond at all.

Set boundaries

A good habit is to set boundaries around people and events to try to minimize such comments, and they go both ways. Boundaries you can set with yourself and boundaries you can set with other people.

You may have heard the term boundary on social media or read about it in an article. Boundaries are guidelines or boundaries that you can create to determine reasonable, safe, and acceptable behaviors from other people toward you. These limits and boundaries are then enforced by the person who set the boundary. They are essentially a way of explaining to people the behavior that you will and will not accept. Think of a boundary as drawing a line in sand around you, and the area of ​​that line can change for different people. For example, the boundaries I set around my family are different than those I set for people I may work with.

Regarding events that you may be anxious about, you can use a neutral time beforehand to set a boundary with people and also with yourself.

I like to call people in advance, let it be a calm conversation where boundaries can be discussed.

Something like, "I don't like it when people comment on my food or eating habits. I would appreciate it if you could refrain from doing that. If this happens when I'm around you, please note that I will leave the room and eat somewhere else." To be honest, you don't even need to explain why you would prefer them not to say this unless you want to give them an explanation.

The effects of a boundary violation don't necessarily have to be extreme, unless of course you want them to be.

Having dealt with this before an event that you may be feeling anxious about can sometimes help ease anxiety and get you there with a calmer mind.

But let's face it, sometimes people - and especially family - don't understand boundaries, and you are not alone if you have this experience. My family, although they mean it lovingly, can take on the role of either “feeder” or food police.

In this case, I remind you now that you are allowed to respond in any way you choose. You can - and I recommend you do - enforce any boundaries you set.

If an incident occurs with people you haven't previously set a boundary with, I recommend either ignoring them or responding with as tricky an answer as you like. However, try to capture them out of curiosity. Some answers are below:

“No” – then choose whether to eat it or not

“Yes” – then choose whether to eat it or not

“Have you recently trained to be a nutritionist?” – Invite them to have a conversation about why they feel it is their right to monitor your food choices

"That's strange, I don't remember you being my doctor."

“I don’t discuss my weight/food choices with you” is what it says, even if they push back

“I have absolutely no interest in this discussion with you”

“I don’t remember asking for your opinion or advice – may I ask why you thought differently?”

Sometimes we get lost in the feeling of not wanting to create a scene that we've been taught since childhood, especially those who live in female bodies, are taught to be quiet and not rock the boat, so all of this - the boundaries, the answers - can feel like it goes against everything you've been raised to think about - that's okay. But you as a human deserve to be treated with respect, and people have the right not to feel nervous during such events. Role-playing these responses with a mirror, a roommate, a friend, or a loved one can help you get comfortable with expressing yourself and prioritizing your feelings instead of others.

After all, as a human being who deserves respect and love, you don't have to respond, you don't have to do anything, and you can also choose not to participate in these events - however, if you chose to do so because you actively want to, then the above may be of use to you. Your body, your eating habits, these are your choices, and you are so much more than what your body looks like or what you choose to eat.

Now I leave you to role play and set boundaries, have a great holiday season and hopefully some time off.