Divorce recovery requires a roadmap: Here it is – 10 steps to complete divorce recovery

Divorce recovery requires a roadmap: Here it is – 10 steps to complete divorce recovery

Poor track record for the most common approaches to divorce

The three most common approaches to facilitating divorce recovery are divorce support groups, individual psychotherapy, and simple timing.

The success of these three approaches is dismal. Sixty-six percent of 2nd marriages and 75 percent of 3rd marriages also ended in divorce. Additionally, long-term distrust and hostility between ex-spouses is common, which is not good for the hoped-for trauma-free effects of divorce on their children.

Clearly there is something wrong with the way divorce is currently practiced.

The problem of not knowing what the problem is

The core problem arises from a blurred understanding of the problem faced by divorced people. Is it the psychological problem of depression? Is it an emotional problem to be overwhelmed by a witch's brew of emotions, including sadness, anger, disappointment, fear, grief, abandonment, resentment, bitterness, rejection, shame, humiliation, embarrassment, worry, etc.? Is it impatient with how long it takes to forget the painful event?

Individual psychotherapy attempts to treat the nebulous problem of “depression.” Divorce support groups attempt to treat the non-specific problem of “emotional upset.” And passage of time advocates deal with the vague problem that “not enough time has passed” by prescribing “let more time pass.”

None of the three approaches specify a clearly defined problem or a clear plan of action to solve it.

What is needed is a clearly defined roadmap or plan that lays out the steps to resolve the issues associated with divorce recovery.

A new approach to the problem

Recent work by this author has identified the core problem as an almost universal tendency for divorced people to refuse to make the necessary changes to thrive in their new living situation imposed upon them by their divorce. So the problem is resistance to change.

That's good news.

We know resistance to change and there is a roadmap to resolve it. Additionally, the process of resolving resistance to change also addresses the emotional issues raised by two of the other approaches to divorce recovery.

Recovering from a divorce takes place in three steps:

(1) STABILIZE your emotional reactions to your divorce and to your ex;

(2) Let go of your fear of an unknown future and your distress over your losses; and

(3) Prepare for your next committed relationship so you don't get divorced again.

Within these phases are the 10 steps in a recovery roadmap. Each step is designed to identify and address a core issue that is unique to the divorce transition process and threatens your recovery. Here is a brief description of each of the 10 steps.

The first stage: Stabilize your reactions to theDivorce

This is the phase where you startDissolve the emotion-based reactionsYou need to get divorced, about your ex, and about your current post-divorce life. You also begin to reduce your attachments to “how life used to be.” The first stage steps are:

Step 1: Disentangle yourself from your ex. You are entering a new, exciting phase of your life. It is now time to take stock of your reactions to your current post-divorce life and separate your life as it once was from the life it is now becoming.

Step 2: Acknowledge the trauma caused.Divorce is a traumatic incident in your life. You must identify what was hurt and treat it to prevent it from defining the rest of your life. As Marcia Salmon notes, “Divorce is an incident, not a lifestyle.”

Step 3: Accept your ambivalence.You didn't marry your ex because you hated him or her. There were good times. There were also the not so good times. Divorce creates ambivalence and considerations that need to be identified and addressed.

Step 4: Clarify your goals for the transition.In the vast majority of cases, people choose goals for their divorce that virtually guarantee failure. What you need are goals that will lead to a successful life after divorce.

The second phase: Release the reluctance to accept your new life situation

At this stage youRemove the barriersto a successful transition. A past obstacle is your reluctance to give up the good things you enjoyed from your previous life with your ex. The other barrier tied to the future is the fear of the unknown, the fear of not knowing what the future will bring. Together, these two barriers create an extraordinarily strong resistance to change. In this phase, you release this naturally occurring resistance and eliminate your reluctance to accept and embrace your new life situation. The steps of this phase are:

Step 5: Release the effects of fear.Fear of an unknown future keeps us stuck in the past. You must reduce this fear to embrace your future with hope and happiness.

Step 6: Resolve the Impact of Loss.All desired or undesirable life transitions result in loss. Divorce is no different. However, almost all of us believe we have lost more than we actually have. Don't grieve if you haven't lost it.

Step 7: Bring closure to your relationship with your ex.All relationships end with important things going unexpressed. Figuring out what these things are and dealing with them will help you move forward without the baggage that comes with divorce.

The third phase: prepare for your future

In this phase, you take what you have learned from the divorce process andImagine a new lifethat is satisfying and rewarding. The steps of this phase are:

Step 8: Prepare for a relationship.A successful relationship requires you to get what you need. You must commit your head in addition to your heart if you want your next committed relationship to be successful.

Step 9: Recalibrate your life and create the new you.Divorce presents you with an unprecedented opportunity to redefine who you are and how you want to live the next chapter of your life in the most personally meaningful way. Your challenge is to use this opportunity to start over with a clean slate.

Step 10: Use the past to plan your future.Now it's time to take what you've learned and create your map to a happy, productive life after divorce. As Antoine de Saint-Exupery said: “A goal without a plan is just a wish.”

So what's the point?

You have been given an unprecedented second chance to live a happy and fulfilling life. Statistics tell us that without a roadmap to guide you through your resistance to change, this opportunity is doomed to fail. However, if you follow the roadmap outlined in the 10 steps above, you have an excellent chance of turning the worst experience in your life into the best that could ever happen to you.

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