The restoration of a divorce requires a roadmap: Here it is - 10 steps to a complete restoration after a divorce

The restoration of a divorce requires a roadmap: Here it is - 10 steps to a complete restoration after a divorce

bad track record for the most common approaches to divorce

The three most common approaches to facilitate recovery after divorce are divorce groups, individual psychotherapy and the simple time passage.

The success of these three approaches is miserable. Sixty percent of the 2nd marriages and 75 percent of the 3rd marriages also ended with a divorce. In addition, long-term distrust and hostility between ex-salt partners is widespread, which is not good for the hoped-for trauma-free effects of divorce on their children.

Obviously something is wrong with the way the divorce is currently being practiced.

The Problem not to know what the problem is

The core problem results from a blurred understanding of the problem with which divorced people are faced. Is it the psychological problem of depression? Is it an emotional problem to be overwhelmed by a brew of emotions, including sadness, anger, disappointment, fear, grief, abandonment, resentment, bitterness, rejection, shame, humiliation, embarrassment, worry, etc. Is it impatient how long it takes to forget the painful event?

Individual psychotherapy tries to treat the nebulous problem of "depression". Divorce groups try to treat the unspecific problem of "emotional upset". And followers of the time of time treat the vague problem that "not enough time has passed" by "letting more time".

None of the three approaches specifies a clearly defined problem or a clear action plan to solve it.

What is needed is a clearly defined roadmap or a clearly defined plan in which the steps to solve the problems that are connected to the restoration after a divorce.

A new approach for the problem

The latest works by this author have identified the core problem as an almost universal tendency to refuse to make the necessary changes to thrive in their new life situation, which was imposed on them by their divorce. So the problem is resistance to changes.

These are good news.

We know the resistance to changes and there is a roadmap to dissolve it. In addition, the process of dissolution of resistance to changes also deals with the emotional problems, which are raised by two of the other approaches to restore the divorce.

The recovery after a divorce takes place in three steps:

(1) Stabilize your emotional reactions on your divorce and on your ex;

(2) let your fear of an unknown future and your need go through your losses; and

(3) prepare for your next firm relationship so that you do not divorce again.

Within these phases, the 10 steps are in a roadmap for restoring. Each step serves to identify and tackle a core problem that is unique for the divorce transition process and endangers its recovery. Here is a brief description of each of the 10 steps.

The first stage: stabilize your reactions to the d. ivory

In this phase you start to dissolve the emotion -based reactions You have to divorce, to your ex and your current life after divorce. They also start to reduce their stubbornness to "how life used to be". The steps of the first stage are:

Step 1: Discravial your ex . You enter a new, exciting phase of your life. It is now time to make an inventory of your reactions to your current life after divorce and to separate your life as it used to be, from the life that it will be now.

Step 2: Confirm the trauma caused. The divorce is a traumatic incident in your life. You have to identify what was hurt and treat it to prevent it from defined the rest of your life. As Marcia Salmon notes, "Divorce is an incident, no lifestyle."

Step 3: Accept your ambivalence. You have not married your ex because you hated him or she. There were good times. There were also not so good times. The divorce leads to ambivalence and considerations that have to be identified and treated.

Step 4: Clarify your goals for the transition. In most cases, people choose goals for their divorce, which practically guarantee failure. What you need are goals that lead to a successful life after divorce.

The second phase: Loosen the aversion to accepting your new life situation

In this phase you Remove the barriers to a successful transition. An obstacle in the past is her aversion to giving up the good things you enjoyed from your previous life with your ex. The other barrier that is bound to the future is the fear of the unknown, the fear of not knowing what the future will bring. Together, these two barriers form an extremely strong resistance to changes. In this phase, they dissolve this naturally occurring resistance and eliminate their reluctance to accept and accept their new life situation. The steps of this phase are:

Step 5: Solve the effects of fear. The fear of an unknown future has stated in the past. You have to reduce this fear to hug your future with hope and happiness.

Step 6: Solve the effects of loss. All desired or unwanted life transitions lead to losses. Divorce is no different. However, almost all of us believe that they have lost more than we actually have. Do not mourn if you haven't lost it.

Step 7: At the end. All relationships end with important things that are not expressed. If you find out what these things are and deal with them, you can continue without the luggage that arises from the divorce.

The third phase: prepare for your future

In this phase, take what you have learned from the divorce process and imagine a new life before This is satisfactory and rewarding. The steps of this phase are:

Step 8: Prepare yourself for a relationship. A successful relationship requires that you get what you need. You have to engage your head in addition to your heart if you want your next committed relationship to be successful.

Step 9: Calibrate your life again and create the new you. The divorce offers you an unprecedented opportunity to redefine who you are and how you want to live the next chapter of your life in a personally most important way. Your challenge is to take this opportunity to start with a clean table from the front.

Step 10: Use the past to plan your future. Now it is time to take what you have learned and create your card for a happy, productive life after divorce. As Antoine de Saint-Exupery said: "A goal without a plan is just a wish."

so what is the point?

You have received an unprecedented second chance of leading a happy and fulfilling life. Statistics tell us that without a roadmap that leads them through their resistance to changes, this opportunity is doomed to fail. However, if you follow the roadmap described in the 10 steps above, you have an excellent chance of transforming the worst experience in your life into the best that could ever happen to you.

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